I’ll admit: I’m scared. As persecutions rage in the Middle East against Christians, and those murdering them are professed to be part of a peaceful religion, I’m anxious. As diseases spread, even some that were thought to have been eradicated, and touch American soil, I’m nervous. As our culture lauds suicide as a ‘dignified exit’ for those unwilling to await a natural death, I’m horrified. With abortion of unborn babies continuing to be ‘an option’, I’m appalled.
I have asked myself lately, “When is God going to pull the plug?” We exist in a culture of supreme arrogance, a culture that plays God, a culture that strives to rewire our very consciences.
At the same time, though, I confess that ‘THE END’ is something I try not to think about. Whether it’s my individual end or me going down with everyone when the world is brought to its knees when all are reintroduced to the author of life, death has frightened me since I was a young girl. How do you just leave? Will I get to say goodbye? Even now my heart tightens and my stomach turns. Many great men and women practiced a spiritual separation or even disgust with this world. I pray I can emulate their detachment. I am too attached to God’s beautiful world.
I wish it were getting easier but now that I have two, lovely children I fear my heart is ever more entrapped by their little fingers. I selfishly cling to the idea that I will see them grow up, see them serve their Lord, have children of their own. It is not the material things of the world that keep me weighted to this earth but the intangibles. It is my deep, abiding love for my husband who is my rock, my smile, and my happy thought, the sweet hugs from my little ones and the look of adoration they bestow on their imperfect mother. Laughter, love, sunsets, sunrises, brothers, sisters, parents, friends. How do you leave? I know we’re not given a choice. The time comes as surely as a plucked flower will wither but … when I ‘go’ I think it might be easier if God takes me quickly or my heavy heart will crumble before I have drawn my last breath.
As ugly as this world can be … and is, there are so many happy-giggly-toe wiggling-hiccupping-whispering-sweet moments He gives us. If these moments are but a drop of water in the ocean of divine splendor we will enjoy in heaven, then, dear Lord I pray my soul, while living in this world, learns to detach from the created and yearn for the creator.